HOW LOVE LANGUAGES CAN IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP!
“Once you identify and learn to speak your partner’s primary love language, I believe that
you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving relationship.” – Dr Gary Chapman
What are the 5 Love Languages?
The 5 Love Languages is a concept discovered by relationship therapist and author Dr Gary Chapman and he wrote about them in his best-selling book: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.
Through his private therapy practice of helping many couples with their relationships, he discovered that people tend to favour one (sometimes two) particular ways of showing and experiencing romantic love.
The 5 Love Languages are:
✅ Physical Affection
🫶🏻 Words of Affirmation
✅ Quality Time
🫶🏻 Gifts
✅ Acts of Duty
Dr Chapman noticed that couples rarely ‘speak’ the same love language, this means that when we are trying to show our partner that we love them, we normally do the things that we would like done for us.
When relational problems occur after the early “in love” period, of a relationship, he learnt that it was often because each partner was speaking a totally different love language!
We tend to use our primary love language when expressing our love, we then get confused when our partner doesn’t understand what we are communicating!
We are trying so hard to show our love for the other but our message literally gets ‘lost in translation’ or missed completely because as far as the other person is concerned we may as well be speaking a foreign language!
If we want our partner to feel the love we are expressing, we must use their primary love language!
How Can You Use the Love Languages to Benefit Your Relationship?
Once you have the knowledge of what you and your partner prefer you can make sure you ask for what you would like AND you show your partner how much you love and appreciate them by using their love language!
When you do this, believe me you will be happy that you did!
So How to Tell What Yours and Your Partner’s Love Language is?
Take the official Love Languages Quiz (and ask your partner to as well). Then come back here for some advice on how to use both yours and your partner’s love language to nurture your relationship!
Here are some ideas and examples of actions that you can incorporate for each of the Love Languages:
PHYSICAL AFFECTION
Holding hands, arm around shoulders when walking, watching TV etc. Cuddles, kisses, sex. Back, foot or head massage.
A hug is a powerful communicator of love and support, particularly at a tough or sad time.
Hugging someone whilst they cry is the most important and best thing you can do, especially for someone who's primary language is physical affection!
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Paying a compliment. Writing a list of all the things you appreciate, like and love about the other and either texting, voice message, little note or verbally letting them know one per day or even a couple each week.
Expressions of love and how much they mean to you.
En- courage: Encouragement to achieve their goals or something that’s important to them.
If there’s something they dream of doing but lack confidence, you’re in a great position to give them the confidence and courage they may need, in the form of encouraging words.
QUALITY TIME
Going to dinner and talking (no phones). Giving them your full attention, listening and sharing.
When listening, having empathy and not trying to fix the problem, seeking to understand and giving the space to each talk. Planning and going on date nights, trips, holidays together.
Going for a walk together, working out together. Daily sharing time when it’s convenient to you both, even if you just share how your day has been and listen to them talk about theirs (even 10 mins of your full attention maybe enough!)
GIFTS
Sentimental gifts, cards with lovely words, sending music, anything they can hold, look at or listen to and know that you thought about them.
You can purchase something, make something, even find something and it doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s the thought that counts.
It doesn’t have to be all the time, but if your partner’s love language is gifts, definitely ensure you get a present when it is a birthday or special occasion. Flowers, jewellery, their favourite food or snack, drink, item of clothing, book, etc.
ACTS OF SERVICE
Acts of love! Doing a chore that you know they don’t like doing, cooking a meal, coffee or tea in the morning, helping with a project, picking up their favourite food for dinner, posting their letter or parcel, doing some research for them if they haven’t got time, fixing something that needs to be fixed, giving them a lift to the station or picking them up from work or a night out, offering to help when they’re short of time.
A Few Points To Consider When Expressing Your Needs!
Request rather than demand because love is always a choice, not an order!
“A request creates the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that possibility.”
The best way to express your needs and ask for what you want is as a request rather than a demand or criticism! A request gives an element of choice and love should always be a choice.
Once you’ve asked for what you want, it’s up to your partner to respond to your request or to deny it. When they respond to one of your requests it means so much more than if they begrudgingly fulfil a demand.
Here are some examples of how to communicate your needs:
“I love being close to you and in addition to sex, I'd love it if you could show me some affection. A cuddle and a kiss a couple of times during the day would mean a lot to me."
“It would make me really happy if we could connect and talk about our day when you first get in. Even if it's just for 15 minutes it means we get some quality time together. What d you think? "
“Do you think you would e able to pick up some shopping on Saturday am? It would really help me if you could?"
Reward & Appreciate by Using Their Love Language
When your partner uses your love language to express their love and care for you, make sure you show your appreciation. You can tell them you appreciate it and how happy the gesture made you.
If their love language is not words of affirmation, then also do something for them in their own love language to show your appreciation in a way that will mean the most to them.
What If Your Partner’s Love Language Doesn’t Come Naturally to You?
If your partner’s love language is not easy or familiar to you, you can learn it with practice, just like any other skill. If you grew up in a house where cuddles and affection weren’t openly given, you should express to your partner that this is why physical affection doesn’t come as easy to you as it does to them.
But also make sure they know that because it is important to them, it’s also important to you. The more you do it the more natural, comfortable and familiar cuddles, kisses and hand-holding will become.
Just take it a step at a time and make sure your partner knows you are committed to being more affectionate in this way, it may just take time for you to adjust.
As we’ve already mentioned, love is a choice and it’s something we do for someone else.
By learning to ‘speak’ your partner’s primary love language you are learning something new, growing personally, making them happy and in turn this benefits you!
So it’s a WIN-WIN-WIN-WIN!
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