- 5 min read

HOW THE MOTHER WOUND IN WOMEN SHOWS UP IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS & LIFE!

WHAT IS THE MOTHER WOUND?

We tend to think of our ‘first love’ as that teenage crush we had on that handsome boy at school, but truthfully the first real love we have is with our mother. It is this first important relationship that influences how we connect and love others and how we find a sense of safety and security in ourselves and the world.

The term the mother wound is the name we give to generational pain inherited and passed down between grandmothers, mothers, and daughters caused by living in a patriarchal culture that’s been and often still is largely oppressive toward women. The term can also be describing a difficult, abusive or neglectful relationship between a child and their mother growing up and the negative impact this lack of adequate attachment and love has on the child. This impact can still affect us into adulthood.

WHAT CAN BE THE CAUSE OF A MOTHER WOUND?

Often women have grown up with a deep-rooted belief of being ‘less-than’ and having to internalize their needs, emotions and be quiet, good, put other’s needs before their own in order to be loved, approved of and accepted. These feelings, beliefs and coping mechanisms can cause women to ‘shrink’ themselves and conform to being the ‘good girl’, accommodating, tolerating and caring for others first whilst devaluing and neglecting themselves, in order to be accepted in the family system.

THE TRAUMA OF THE UNHEALED MOTHER WOUND IS A BURDEN THAT CAN BE PASSED ON FROM MOTHER TO DAUGHTER

These negative messages are often internalized and not spoken about as females, as we learn from our mother’s behaviours and obediently take them on in order to get approval and love from our mothers and others in the family or wider circle.

SOME REASONS SHE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN TUNED IN TO YOUR NEEDS

As daughters we also often absorb our mother’s limiting beliefs, coping mechanisms and trauma and these may influence our lives in negative ways without us really being fully aware of this. We can be at the other end of our mother’s sadness, hurt, frustration, fear and sometimes resentment and rage.

She may have internalized and denied her own needs and these emotions can be buried but will emerge in different ways. She may be struggling with addictions, abuse, toxic relationships, stress, anxiety and depression and unable to ask for support. She may feel she has no choice, but to ‘get on with it’ and appear to be strong. She may also have developed dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with her own emotional pain, that’s not been acknowledged and processed.

These things can negatively impact how mothers parent us as daughters, sometimes causing neglect, abuse or causing her to not be connected or tuned into her daughter’s needs. Difficulties between girls and their mothers are widespread but often not talked about openly. The fact that we don’t discuss this dynamic is how it remains quite rampant and often destructive.

WHY IS THE MOTHER WOUND SO DIFFICULT FOR US TO DEAL WITH?

The human brain is wired to need loving connection and avoid rejection and this is the most important thing to a baby or young child as we rely on our parents or care givers to survive. This is why it can be so distressing for a child to experience a lack of proper connection or not getting their needs met in their early years. A lack of healthy attachment in the forms of attention, love, encouragement, understanding and empathy can cause a traumatic wound that continues to affect us as we grow up.

SOME TYPICAL SYMPTOMS & SIGNS THAT YOU MAY HAVE EXPERIENCED THE MOTHER WOUND WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MUM:

If you had a challenging, difficult or turbulent relationship with your mother or experienced a lack of connection and love with her when you were growing up and you also identify with any of the following, there may be some healing for you to do around the mother wound. Do you or have you experienced:

A lack of boundaries and an inability to say “no’ in certain situations with people.
A fear of failure due to a fear of being judged or disapproved of.
A fear of success and fulfilment, again due to a fear of being judged, disapproved of and a guilt attached to wanting more out of life. Particularly if your mum isn’t fulfilled and successful or happy in her own life.
Unconsciously waiting for your mother to approve fully of your choices and decisions or to approve of you achieving your full potential.
Unconsciously believing that you need to conform, to be ‘good’ or smaller, quieter or dull your shine, in order to be accepted and loved.
People-pleasing &/or emotional care-taking of others, to your detriment causing exhaustion and resentment.
Negatively comparing yourself to other women.
Emotional and comfort eating, eating disorders
Addictions.
Poor mental health; anxiety &/or depression.
Self-criticism. Never feeling good enough, no matter what you achieve yourself or do for others.
A deep unconscious feeling of shame or belief that something is wrong with you, you just not sure why you feel that way.
Feeling pressure to conform to rigid expectations of womanhood, having to put others before yourself, do much more in the household, hold everything together at the expense of your own needs.
Suppressing your feelings and burying your needs, perhaps believing they are not important or don’t matter.

You can heal from the mother wound and it all start with awareness. These are the steps to take to start to resolve and let go of this childhood wound and be able to move on with peace:

1) Awareness:

Recognize childhood wounds, especially related to your mother's actions.
Acknowledge impact on your life and relationships.
Identify unhelpful patterns and limiting beliefs.

2) Mourning/Grieving:

Feel and process emotional pain from unmet childhood needs.
Allow anger, sadness, and grief to be processed and released.
Healing and acceptance follow emotional processing.

3) Really Recognize That it Was Never Your Fault:

Understand your mother's actions were not a reflection of you.
Internalize that you are lovable and enough as you are.
Separate your worth from past experiences.

4) Learn About Your Mother:

Explore your mother's upbringing and hardships.
Understand generational trauma or mother wound influences.
Grasp potential factors impacting her parenting skills.

5) Forgiveness/Acceptance:

Gradual process of letting go and forgiving.
Acceptance when forgiveness is challenging, especially in cases of abuse.
Empowerment through acknowledging past but focusing on growth.

6) Self-Love and Reparenting:

Reparenting: Providing yourself what you lacked as a child.
Offer love, respect, and care to your wounded inner child.
Shift focus from seeking these needs externally to nurturing yourself.

The good news is that you can heal. You may need some support and if so please do reach out to myself or another therapist who can help you to process and heal from any parental wounds.