AVOIDING NARCISSISTS WHEN DATING
If you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know just how damaging the experience can be. It's a painful journey that leaves scars both seen and unseen, but it's also a journey that can be prevented with the right knowledge and awareness.
In this blog, we'll explore the tell-tale signs of narcissism, offering you the tools you need to spot these people before you get too involved with them. Having experienced being involved with a narcissist myself, my hope is to raise awareness about the importance of recognizing narcissism in the dating world. This knowledge will empower you to make healthier, more informed choices when dating or looking for love.
WHAT IS NARCISSISTIC ABUSE?
Narcissistic abuse is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. It can involve many toxic behaviors including gaslighting, emotional abuse, control, isolation, invasion of privacy and abusing other boundaries. It can be difficult to spot that you’re being abused until you’re well and truly in the midst of it. An analogy often used to describe narcissistic abuse is that of a frog in boiling water. If you dropped the frog straight into the hot pan of water it would certainly notice and jump straight out. However, if you put the frog into a pan of tepid water and slowly increase the heat, the frog will stay there.
THE CYCLE OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
The first stage of this type of manipulation is often love-bombing. Be very wary if your new partner is charming, charismatic, seems to like all the same things you do and tries to move very quickly into a full-blown relationship. Take everything at your own pace and be watchful. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is!
A typical cycle of narcissistic abuse typically starts with the love-bombing and often also moves to gas-lighting, blame-shifting (they do something wrong and then blame you or accuse you of exactly what they did!), isolating you from others in your life and withholding love or attention when you don’t do what they want you to do.
WHAT CAUSES NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER (NPD)
Generally people with narcissistic traits will have experienced a negative impact from childhood. Either parents or caregivers excessively built them up to believe they are special and unique and superior to others. Or they may have suffered neglect, trauma or abuse causing them to have very low self-esteem inwardly. Because of this they may turn the criticism onto others to make themselves feel better.
OVERT OR COVERT NARCISSISTS
Narcissists can be either covert or overt, the main difference is that an overt narcissistic person will appear to be more confident, flamboyant and extroverted. The covert type will be less outwardly confident and will prefer to stay out of the limelight. But both covert and overt narcissists tend to want to exploit and control others and both can be equally selfish, self-entitled and manipulative, although the covert type will be harder to spot in the room!
HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST WHEN DATING OR IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is now a diagnosable personality disorder, characterized as someone who has an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others and who often has troubled relationships.
Look out for these characteristics as they are signs of narcissism. People with narcissist tendencies:
Believe they are superior to others
Have a lack of empathy for others, may talk badly about others: “My ex was an idiot.” etc
Can be very manipulative in order to get their own way and throw tantrums or get abusive if their tactics don’t work
Have a sense of entitlement
In the first stages of dating can present as extremely charismatic, charming and caring
Narcissists often do not have many friends of their own
Play the victim, always blaming others for their situation (claiming their ex is crazy or nasty for example)
Have very black or white thinking, it’s their way or the highway
May try to become ‘everything’ to you very early in the relationship (this is in order to isolate and manipulate later in order to get their own way)
Pay you excessive compliments at first and may compare you to others favourably. They may say things like: “I’ve never met anyone as amazing as you. My ex was no way as perfect for me as you are.”
May be overly interested in your past experiences (particularly negative relationships or situations), this information may be used against you later
Twisting facts when they behave badly and blaming others. Instead of saying sorry for their actions, they may say: “You’re being overly sensitive!” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
RELATIONSHIPS WITH A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY TYPE PARTNER
If you suspect you may be dating a narcissistic person my advice would be to create a bit of space and take your time getting to know them, do not jump straight in to a full-blown relationship quickly!
Keep contact and confide in friends or family members that you trust and do not allow yourself to become isolated! If you notice that love bombing is taking place be wary!
If you start to experience any manipulation and/or abuse get out as soon as you can. These people rarely change and it's often because they actually can’t admit that there is anything wrong with them.
If you need any support there is some great information here.
What Can Cause Anxiety?
We need a certain amount of healthy stress in our lives but when this is prolonged or excessive it can become harmful. In the same way, feeling a bit anxious at times is also normal. But excessive anxiety is when you feel really worried or stressed and this affects you negatively and stops you from living and enjoying life to the full!
Anxiety can be linked to certain situations that are triggering such as work or social events. Or it can happen when you're going through a tough time or have to do something that makes you nervous, like speaking in public or taking tests.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is a condition where a person feels excessive worry and fear about various aspects of their life, even when there is no immediate threat or reason to be anxious.
What are the Signs of Anxiety?
Anxiety can make you avoid things you might enjoy, like going out with friends or trying new things.It can limit you in career, relationships and your general sense of happiness. It can also make you procrastinate, worry too much, and even feel sick with symptoms like a queasy stomach, trouble sleeping, or neck and shoulder pain.
People with GAD often find it hard to control their worrying and may experience physical symptoms like restlessness, muscle tension, and difficulty concentrating. This anxiety can interfere with daily activities and lead to a constant sense of unease.
How Can We Help Reduce Anxiety?
In my work, I use a technique called Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) to figure out why my clients feel anxious now. Even though anxiety is cropping up now, it's usually linked to things that happened when you were younger (often during childhood). By understanding the root and reasons behind the anxiety, my clients can start to let go of it and feel better, calmer and more confident.
I also teach my clients some simple things they can do in their daily lives to feel less anxious. Three of these tricks are "bottom-up" techniques, which help your body relax first, and that can make your mind feel better too.·
What Does it Mean to Teat Anxiety from the 'Bottom-Up'?
When we talk about "bottom-up" solutions for dealing with anxiety, we're talking about ways to help yourself feel better by starting with your body and senses. These methods, like taking slow deep breaths, relaxing your muscles, practicing mindfulness, or using techniques that help you feel connected to your surroundings, are all part of these bottom-up solutions. They work by calming your body first, which can then make your anxious thoughts and feelings become less intense. It's like calming the storm in your body to make your mind feel better. This is different from "top-down" approaches, which focus more on changing how you think and feel directly. Both approaches can be helpful for managing anxiety, and they often work best when used together.
Here Are Three Lifestyle Tips for Relieving Anxiety
* Breathe: It sounds obvious but many of us are not breathing properly and therefore we are not utilizing our best tool to settle the nervous system and create more calm in the mind and body. A simple tool to use is the 7-11 breath. This can help you reduce stress in a relatively short time and in the moment, plus if you do it regularly, you will feel calmer generally. How to do it: Simply breathe in through the nostrils for a count of 7 and exhale through the nose or mouth for the count of 11.
Some tips to get the most of this technique:
Make sure you’re doing deep ‘diaphragmatic breathing’ rather than shallower lung breathing. This means breathing as deep down into your stomach as you can. Your diaphragm should be moving down and pushing your stomach when you take a breath. If you find it difficult to breathe for the full 7 and 11, then you can reduce it to a 3-5 count. Just make sure that the out-breath is longer than the in-breath. Practice this technique for 5-10 minutes, as often as you want to.
* Walk: The continual movement, fresh air and change of environment of getting out and taking a walk can really help to elevate positive thoughts and to change your mindset to a more helpful state of being. Try to walk daily and for at least 20 minutes. As you walk be mindful of your feet making contact with the ground. Relax and notice the sights and sounds that are around you. Swing your arms gently as you walk and rotate your shoulders from time to time, to loosen any tension that may be stuck there. You can listen to some of your favourite music or even an audio book or podcast if you like. I can’t tell you enough how much walking can alleviate stress and improve your mood. It’s such a simple solution really!
* Liquids: What you put in your body in the form of fluids is super-important. The first things I advise my clients to reduce are caffeine and alcohol. There is scientific evidence that both these stimulants can alter the brain’s chemistry and both are linked to possible increases in anxiety symptoms. Sugary drinks should also be avoided as they can cause highs and lows in the blood sugar levels which can alter the mood and cause an imbalance in the body. Instead of caffeine, alcohol or fizzy, sugary drinks, drink plenty of water and try chamomile tea which has calming effects on the body and mind. If you’re like me and you’re a real coffee fan just try to reduce your intake to 1-2 small cups per day. (Some of my clients are drinking a lot more than that and that’s when they start to feel jittery, shaky, heart beating quickly etc).
Thanks for reading and I hope these tips help you or someone who is struggling at the moment. Please do reach out if you want more support and help with anxiety. Hypnotherapy & RTT can be simple and effective solutions to help you cope and overcome these periods in your life.
Relationships aren't always easy!
Relationships can be joyful and loving, but at the same time they can push our buttons and make us feel upset or angry at times. Figuring out why you get upset in a relationship is really important for personal growth, healing and for fixing problems within the relationship.
This is where knowing your triggers comes in. In this blog, we'll talk about why knowing your triggers in a relationship can help you grow personally and make relationships and life in general easier.
Self-Awareness
Understanding yourself is the first step to becoming a better partner in a relationship and also feeling more compassion with yourself and others.. When you know your triggers, it's like knowing why you feel the way you do. It's like turning on a light in your mind and seeing why certain things bother you.
Stop Unnecessary Fights
When you know your triggers, you can stop fights and problems that don't need to happen. If you tell your partner what upsets you, they can be more careful. This makes your relationship much more harmonious.
Take Control of Your Feelings
Knowing your triggers means you can control your feelings better. Instead of blaming your partner for how you feel, you can say, "I get upset because of this," and then you can both understand why you feel that way.
Reacting Better
Sometimes, when things upset us, we react quickly without thinking. But if you know your triggers, you can stop and think before you react. This makes your relationship healthier.
Healing Old Hurts
Some triggers come from old problems or bad things that happened in the past. When you know your triggers, you can work on healing those old ‘wounds’. This helps you feel better and makes your relationship stronger.
Make Your Relationship Stronger
Knowing your triggers doesn't just help you—it helps your relationship too. When both you and your partner know what upsets each other, you can work together to make things more balanced and kind. You become a team, and that makes your relationship safer and closer.
In a relationship, knowing your triggers is like having a map to find your way. It helps you control your feelings, communicate clearly with your partner, and become a better person. When you understand why you get upset, you can make your relationship a place where you both grow and become happier. So, start learning about your triggers, and watch your relationship become a source of love, support, and personal growth.
Here are three tips for dealing with triggers once you know them:
Practice Self-Awareness and Mindfulness:
Pay close attention to your feelings and reactions when you have an emotional response. Take a moment to pause and identify what is causing your feelings.
Use mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, to stay present in the moment and prevent yourself from reacting impulsively.
Communication is Key:
Talk openly with your partner about your triggers. Share what you've learned about yourself and why certain things upset you.
Encourage your partner to do the same, so you both understand each other's triggers and can work together to avoid unnecessary conflicts.
Develop Coping Strategies:
Once you've identified your triggers, work on strategies to cope with them in healthier ways. For example, if criticism triggers you, practice self-compassion and remind yourself of your worth.
You may want to consider seeking professional help or therapy to learn more effective coping mechanisms and to address any deeper emotional wounds associated with your triggers.
Remember that dealing with triggers is an ongoing process. It takes time and effort to change your reactions and behaviors. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work together to create this loving balance within your relationship.
Becoming super self-aware is one of the areas we work through inside the Healthy Relationship Formula! This is my signature program that helps women heal their past and cultivate the right energy and mindset to thrive in a relationship whilst maintaining a strong sense of self, healthy boundaries and an open heart.
I am enrolling for this 8 week program now, so if you would like some support with making your love life happier and healthier and attracting a loving partner, have a read here for more info!
