Updated: Sep 13, 2022
Are you fed up of attracting the wrong people and situations into your life?
Maybe you have great hopes at the beginning of a new relationship, only to find that the same negative patterns play out again and again.
It could be that you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people and as soon as you start to show your feelings they back off or become distant, leaving you second guessing and feeling insecure.
Maybe you seem to be attracted to partners who cheat and you wonder why this always seems to happen to you.
Or perhaps you have a history of controlling, possessive relationships and you are so anxious about dating or meeting someone new, in case you can’t extract yourself and get stuck in this cycle again.
Something to remember is that the self-awareness that you want something different is the first step to change. The fact that you are now so aware of what you DON”T want is a positive, because now you can change what happens in your future.
Follow these steps to ensure that you break these toxic cycles and start to experience more healthy and balanced relationships, with people who are ready for a relationship that is equal and loving.
1) Create some space
The first thing that I always recommend to people who are experiencing negative patterns in love, is to have some time on your own. Nurture and heal yourself, practice self-care and self-love. Have some time as a single person to really get to know what you do and don’t want for yourself, both relationship wise and in your life generally.
2) Celebrate you
The second thing that is important is to become happy as a single person, before seeking to be with someone else. I like the saying that you have to be a happy ‘me’ before being a happy ‘we’.
Write a list of all of the attributes, achievements and things you like about yourself. Read through it everyday to remind you of all of your good ‘bits’. This will pick you up if you are feeling low and boost your confidence and self-esteem too.
Being happy single means also taking some time to know and do the things that you enjoy, that you are passionate about and that feed your soul.
3) Know yourself
Look at your patterns and become really self-aware. Who is the type of person that you have been attracted to? What are the patterns that have played out in your relationships in the past. What is it that you definitely don’t want? What would your ideal relationship look like?
Start to do some writing and journaling answering these questions, so that you become really clear on the answers to these questions.
4) Be the person you want to attract
What are the attributes and qualities that you want in a partner? Do you have these same qualities?
When I teach people how to use the law of attraction to attract what they want in a relationship, the first thing I get them to do is create a list of the top 5-10 things they want in a partner. Rather than this being material things or career accomplishments etc I think it is important to focus on the personal qualities that would make us feel secure, happy and loved in a relationship.
The LOA states that like attracts like, so if you want someone who is thoughtful and kind, you have to be thoughtful and kind yourself. Once you have your list, ask yourself if you are ‘being’ the sort of person YOU want to be with? If not, how can you start to embody more of these qualities in yourself?
5) Create some boundaries
I love the quote “Good fences make good neighbours.” In a relationship, clear boundaries (even if they are just clear to ourselves), make a great partnership. You have to know what your non-negotiables are? What are you definitely NOT prepared to tolerate in a relationship?
Write these down and be very clear on these points in your own mind. Also write a list of what you do need and want in a relationship.
Once you have these lists for yourself you don’t necessarily have to express them to a potential partner (unless your boundaries are being pushed), but this self-awareness gives a feeling of calm, knowing that you are prepared to defend your boundaries if you ever need to. This allows you to have peace of mind and able to relax and enjoy being connected and the whole dating experience.
6) Take it slow
When you’re dating someone make sure you get to know them and take things at your own pace before getting intimate or making any commitments. Don’t be rushed along and keep to your own timing and pace.
This is super-important for ensuring that the relationship and the person is right for you. When you take your time you can tune into your own gut instinct, your intuition, which when you listen to it will let you know whether the relationship and person is healthy and right for you!
I hope these tips help you if you’re feeling wary of dating or are getting over a break-up or past toxic relationship! Remember you are worthy being loved properly! We’re all born worthy and you are loveable exactly as you are!
We study and implement all of these steps during my Healthy Relationship Roadmap Program, which helps single women confidently create healthy, joyful and loving relationships.
If you would like to know more or would like to join us on the next live course we are starting again in October and I’m taking enrolments now! Go here to book a discovery call to apply!
What are boundaries?
I like to explain boundaries as the limits and guidelines we set and hold in place to inform other people (and ourselves) how we want and need to be treated, in order to stay happy, healthy, safe and well.
Boundaries allow us to feel secure and confident, they bring order to our lives. When we strengthen our boundaries we get clearer on our needs and this empowers us to decide how we want to be treated in relationships with others.
“It’s not your fault how they choose to behave towards you. But it’s your fault when you let it continue.” – Marion Bekoe
A boundary is not about telling another person what to do. It is about telling another person what YOU will do in the face of the other person's continued unkind or undesirable behaviour.
While it is hard for most people to accept, we cannot control another's behaviour. What we can control is our own response in the face of others behaviour. A boundary is about telling your truth and taking action on it. For example:
"I'm no longer willing to be with you in public when you put me down. I will leave and take the car or a cab home."
"I’m no longer willing to be late to events because of you being late. The next time you are late, I will leave without you. If you continue to be late, then I will just plan on taking separate cars."
"Your constant criticisms feel awful to me. From now on, when you are critical, I will tell you that it feels awful and leave the room."
Then you have to follow through
Then, of course, you have to take the action you have said you would take. If you do not take action, then what you have said is a manipulation rather than a truth. A boundary means nothing until you are willing to take the action.
You can't control others, but you can control how you react to their treatment of you
The tricky part of this has to do with your intent. If your intent is to control the other person rather than take loving care of yourself, then your statement and action is just another form of control. If your desire is to take responsibility for yourself, then your tone of voice will be calm and matter-of-fact as you are just letting the other person know what you will be doing or are doing. If your desire is to control the other person, then your tone of voice will be angry, blaming, and accusing, and your energy will be hard and closed.
We cannot hide our intent; it will always come through in our energy and our tone of voice. However you might try to mask an intent to control, the other will always pick up on it and probably react to it with his or her own controlling behaviour.
You are coming from a place of personal power when your intent is to take loving care of yourself rather than control the other. Since you cannot ultimately control another, trying to will leave you feeling frustrated and powerless.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brene Brown
The challenging part of this is taking loving action on your own behalf. In order to take loving care of yourself, you need to be willing to let go of the outcome regarding how the other person will feel and behave. If you are focused on controlling how the other person will feel in the face of your actions, then you will not be able to take the loving action.
If your focus is on the other person, such as, "He will feel hurt and angry if I leave the party", or "She will be furious with me if I leave without her", or "He will feel rejected and tell me I am running away from conflict, if I leave the room when he is critical", then you will be unable to take the loving action.
Setting boundaries is an act of self-love
Only if you are in compassion for yourself will you be able to act on your own behalf. Compassion for yourself means that you are 100% willing to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than trying to get someone else to do it for you, or rather than trying to control another’s feelings. It means that you are willing for the other person to be upset with you rather than continue to be treated unkindly.
“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.”- Tony Gaskins
People tend to mirror how we treat ourselves. If you tolerate unkind treatment, you are letting others know that it is okay to treat you badly. By taking loving care of yourself in the face of others' unkind behaviour, you will find that generally others will respect you and treat you well.
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is an essential part of not losing ourselves in our relationships! We cover this in the Healthy Relationship Roadmap, an 8 week program empowering women to confidently attract and thrive in a mutually respectful, loving and happy romantic relationship!
The next live group course is starting soon!! Are you ready to heal your past and be supported as you do the inner work in order to have a beautiful relationship, first with yourself and then with others? If so click this link to read more and apply!
Updated: May 1, 2022
The words self-love seem to be the self-help buzz words at the moment, but what does it really mean to love ourselves?
“Self-love is not selfish; you cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself.”
Healthy self-love has nothing to do with being selfish. It has nothing to do with vanity, egotism or narcissism. A healthy sense of self-love is a state of appreciation, acceptance and compassion that we have for ourselves, that can grow from self-care actions. A balanced sense of self-love means we take care of our own well-being and happiness and value our own needs as well as others’. Self-love also means not sacrificing our own well-being to please others.
Self-Love means letting go of the idea of being perfect!
Truly loving ourselves means accepting and loving the whole human that we are and embracing the negatives as well as the positives. It means forgiving ourselves for anything we feel we did wrong and for not being perfect! Perfection doesn’t exist! It means loving ourselves for all of our flaws and the great things about us too! Self-love also means having the same compassion and kindness that we may extend to others, for ourselves as well.
Why is it so difficult to really love ourselves?
I come across a couple of issues that can make loving ourselves tricky. One is that we are not used to it and the other is that the brain is literally wired to look for the negatives around us, this is our survival instinct. I’ll explain both these concepts:
Loving ourselves is unfamiliar
If we developed limiting beliefs about our self-value and worth when we were kids it can become a habit to be unkind to ourselves and allow others to do the same. This is because we may not believe we are worthy or that we matter and therefore
we act accordingly.
If we’re used to being critical and mean to ourselves it can feel so unfamiliar to treat ourselves nicely. The trouble is if we don’t do this for ourselves no one else will. So, it’s important to practice loving and accepting ourselves and to really develop
this underutilized muscle, so that it becomes more comfortable and natural and familiar.
Our brains are wired with negativity bias
Scientists tell us that we are wired for negativity bias. Our ancestors survived due to their ability to scan the environment for danger and take actions to avoid injury and death. There was little survival value in relaxing and being compassionate to ourselves. This explains why our brains do what they do. It takes a bit more effort and some repetition, but negativity can be over-ridden by positivity. The good news is that positivity has a more powerful impact on us than negative thoughts, so it’s well worth the effort to practice retraining our brains to be positive and loving towards ourselves.
Here are three concepts and tips to help you to practice self-care in order to cultivate self-love:
Tip 1 – Speak to Yourself Kindly
“Self-kindness is self-empathy. And even when I talk to myself like someone I love and it feels weird, it works.” – Brene Brown
Be kind and compassionate to yourself when you feel you fall short. Talk to yourself kindly when you feel down and forgive yourself when you make mistakes, this just means you’re trying and that you’re human. Praise yourself as much as you can. Remember this quote by Dale Carnegie and give yourself the gift of praise: “Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.” Praise will build you up, tell yourself how well you’re doing at every little thing.
Tip 2 – Make time for Fun and Laughter
“Your body cannot heal without play. Your mind cannot heal without laughter. Your soul cannot heal without joy.” – Catherine Ripperger Fenwick
Nourish your emotional self and have fun. Seek out things that make you laugh and feel happy. Do more of the things that bring you joy and feed your soul. Find ways to bring these activities into your life more often, even a few minutes during your day will make a difference.
Tip 3 - Treat Yourself as you Would Your Best Friend
“Give yourself the love you’re willing to give to others.” – Mahin Ismail
Treat yourself with the compassion and kindness that you extend to others. It’s easy to feel empathy and compassion for the people in your life, but what about towards yourself? An important part of The Healthy Relationship Roadmap Program (which helps women to attract healthy, happy love) is teaching effective ways to cultivate self-love. One of the exercises we do during the program is to write a letter of appreciation to ourselves as if it’s from a dear friend. This letter should include all of the things that people appreciate in you and some kind and compassionate advice to encourage you to value and love yourself more.
I hope that these three tips help you to practice the very worthwhile task of loving and valuing yourself more. Remember that how you love and treat yourself is how you show others to treat and love you too. So lead by example and always value and respect yourself first. You are enough, just as you are and you are worthy of love and respect!
If you want to know more about The Healthy Relationship Roadmap Program, click here!
We are now taking applications for enrolment in the June Program!
