RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT PERFECT!
I need to start by saying that no relationship is perfect. Relationships are hard by design! How could they not be, when you’ve got two completely different people coming together, who’ve had different life experiences and probably have contrasting views and opinions. Of course, relationships take work and require nurturing to grow and flourish.
In this blog I’ve outlined the aspects of a relationship that make it healthy, equal and give it a strong foundation to last and be happy and fulfilling. Some of these points may take more effort than others: For example, trust is earned, it may take practice to listen and communicate kindly and clearly. If you’re not used to expressing your feelings it can take some practice to cultivate emotional intimacy. If you’re used to doing everything for yourself it can feel strange to ask for support when you really need it.
Relationships require of us to be the best people we can be, for ourselves and for our partner. If we look at relationships as an opportunity to grow personally, to stretch ourselves and to love the other, we will be winning because although it takes effort the rewards are a beautiful loving connection and a fulfilling life together.
HERE ARE THE 14 TOP ESSENTIALS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
1) TRUST
The first thing that is super-important for a relationship to be healthy is that there is trust. When I talk about trust I mean that you should trust that your partner has your best interests at heart and that they will be loyal to you and honest with you and themselves too. You should also trust that you will be loyal and will be honest with yourself and your partner.
2) GIVING/ALLOWING SPACE
You know you have a healthy relationship when you give each other space to be yourselves and to pursue activities outside of the relationship as well as spending time together. When the trust is there between you, you will both be relaxed and happy to be apart at times. You may have friends that you prefer to see on your own sometimes and this is totally normal and natural. Perhaps you have passions or hobbies that you had before you got together with your partner, or even ones that you’ve started whilst you’ve been together, but your other half isn’t so interested in them. So go alone or with friends. This space is important and you maintain your separate identities, which is what attracted you in the first place. Having space also increases a strong sense of self (what I call the SSS) which is essential for a balanced partnership.
3) MAINTAINING INDIVIDUALITY
Be yourself! Keeping your separateness not just by doing your own thing but also by holding onto your own opinions, feelings and respecting that your partner probably sees things differently and this is a good thing. This means that you may disagree or argue at times, but this is healthy. Conflict is normal in a relationship, sometimes you will disagree. This is inevitable and to be honest it’s more concerning if a couple NEVER argue, as a relationship with no arguments at all is unlikely to be balanced on both sides.
4) BOUNDARIES
Knowing what your non-negotiables are and what your expectations are both of yourself and of your partner, for the greatest good of you both and the relationship. Setting the standards of how you want to be treated and demonstrating this by how you treat and care for your partner too.
5) SELF-AWARENESS AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR OWN HAPPINESS
In a healthy relationship it’s crucial that we know ourselves. As well as knowing what we DO want in a relationship with a partner it’s important to be fully aware of our previous patterns, triggers and any ways that we have sabotaged relationships in the past, or allowed ourselves to be treated less well than we deserved. By having this knowledge and being honest with ourselves we can take care of our own needs ahead of time, we take responsibility for our own happiness and don’t expect our partner to do that for us.
6) SELF-LOVE
To add to the last point, it is also our own responsibility to practice self-love and self-care. We need to fill ourselves up with love first before we can give love to someone else, without feeling depleted. This is each person’s responsibility and couples with healthy boundaries understand this.
7) COMMUNICATION
In a healthy relationship both parties know that communication is essential and make a conscious effort to speak their truth, ask for what they need and learn to assert their boundaries when needed. resentment is the silent killer of many relationships and so there should be a determination that even if the conversation is hard, it shouldn’t be avoided.
8) COURAGE
I think it takes courage to have a great relationship because it’s not always easy. Having boundaries and communicating them, expressing your feelings and what you need and being vulnerable with someone, all takes courage.
9) RESPECT
Having a healthy respect and appreciation of each other is super-important for the success of a relationship. As long as you are taking care of yourself you should also respect your partner’s needs and boundaries and value them as much as your own. This doesn’t mean putting their needs before your own, but making them equally as important.
10) SUPPORT
In a healthy union between two people, you should both be able to ask for support when you need it and be prepared to give support when your partner needs it. Great relationships are cultivated when the couple feel like a team. They’re supporting each other to be the best that they can be and this benefits the relationship too. This can be practical, emotional, physical support depending on the situation.
11) COMPROMISE
There will sometimes be things you don’t want to do, maybe events you’d rather not go to or a film you know isn’t really your sort of movie. I think a sign of an equal relationship is that at times there is healthy compromise, from both sides. However, if one partner feels like they’re doing more of this then this will feel unfair.
12) COMPASSION AND SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND
You may not always agree with your partner’s views or opinions or they may make the odd mistake (and you probably will too). Perfection doesn’t exist in this world and we are all beautifully flawed people living around other beautifully flawed people. Our flaws make us unique. When mistakes are made or there is a difference of opinion or an argument, remember to have compassion for yourself and your partner. You may not always understand their views or actions but if you’re willing to try to understand, that may be enough to get back on track.
13) SPENDING QUALITY TIME
In a happy relationship a couple will enjoy spending time together and making plans for holidays, dates and sharing experiences together, building happy memories together and feeling really at ease in each other’s company. Making time to have conversations together, even if it is just a catch up at the end of the day. This includes making time to be intimate together.
14) SHARING INTIMACY
This is closeness to each other and can be physical (cuddles, kisses, holding hands, sex), emotional (letting your partner know your inner-most feelings and needs), intellectual (sharing your views and opinions) and spiritual (sharing beliefs, even if they are different). You may have different views or religions and that’s fine but perhaps you share the value of being faithful and honest and always doing your best in life.
15) SELF-ESTEEM & SECURITY
Last but definitely not least, a relationship with a caring partner should make you feel secure. It should help you build self-esteem rather than taking any self-value or self-worth away from you, or making you second guess yourself or the relationship. In a healthy equal relationship life is not a competition, you are a team and you both want what is best for yourself, the other and the relationship.
These aspects of a healthy relationship require work and may not always be there at the beginning of a relationship, but I think they are good to remember and to work towards.
What about you?
Are you fed up with NOT having a healthy relationship, perhaps you have been attracting one toxic situation after another? When you understand that some of this comes from your limiting beliefs and fears in relationships you can start to change these patterns. Do you want help to do the inner healing that will empower you to create a healthy, joyful, loving relationship with a wonderful partner?
The Healthy Relationship Formula Program will help you do just that! This is an 8 week program combining Rapid Transformational Therapy and other effective techniques including coaching and the Law of Attraction to fully support women to heal their past, develop real self-love and healthy boundaries and feel so confident so that they can create a beautiful, loving, healthy relationship with a partner.
Enrolling now for the next live course. Click here for more info and to apply!
Are you fed up of attracting the wrong people and situations into your life?
Maybe you have great hopes at the beginning of a new relationship, only to find that the same negative patterns play out again and again.
It could be that you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people and as soon as you start to show your feelings they back off or become distant, leaving you second guessing and feeling insecure.
Maybe you seem to be attracted to partners who cheat and you wonder why this always seems to happen to you.
Or perhaps you have a history of controlling, possessive relationships and you are so anxious about dating or meeting someone new, in case you can’t extract yourself and get stuck in this cycle again.
Something to remember is that the self-awareness that you want something different is the first step to change. The fact that you are now so aware of what you DON”T want is a positive, because now you can change what happens in your future.
Follow these steps to ensure that you break these toxic cycles and start to experience more healthy and balanced relationships, with people who are ready for a relationship that is equal and loving.
1) Create some space
The first thing that I always recommend to people who are experiencing negative patterns in love, is to have some time on your own. Nurture and heal yourself, practice self-care and self-love. Have some time as a single person to really get to know what you do and don’t want for yourself, both relationship wise and in your life generally.
2) Celebrate you
The second thing that is important is to become happy as a single person, before seeking to be with someone else. I like the saying that you have to be a happy ‘me’ before being a happy ‘we’.
Write a list of all of the attributes, achievements and things you like about yourself. Read through it everyday to remind you of all of your good ‘bits’. This will pick you up if you are feeling low and boost your confidence and self-esteem too.
Being happy single means also taking some time to know and do the things that you enjoy, that you are passionate about and that feed your soul.
3) Know yourself
Look at your patterns and become really self-aware. Who is the type of person that you have been attracted to? What are the patterns that have played out in your relationships in the past. What is it that you definitely don’t want? What would your ideal relationship look like?
Start to do some writing and journaling answering these questions, so that you become really clear on the answers to these questions.
4) Be the person you want to attract
What are the attributes and qualities that you want in a partner? Do you have these same qualities?
When I teach people how to use the law of attraction to attract what they want in a relationship, the first thing I get them to do is create a list of the top 5-10 things they want in a partner. Rather than this being material things or career accomplishments etc I think it is important to focus on the personal qualities that would make us feel secure, happy and loved in a relationship.
The LOA states that like attracts like, so if you want someone who is thoughtful and kind, you have to be thoughtful and kind yourself. Once you have your list, ask yourself if you are ‘being’ the sort of person YOU want to be with? If not, how can you start to embody more of these qualities in yourself?
5) Create some boundaries
I love the quote “Good fences make good neighbours.” In a relationship, clear boundaries (even if they are just clear to ourselves), make a great partnership. You have to know what your non-negotiables are? What are you definitely NOT prepared to tolerate in a relationship?
Write these down and be very clear on these points in your own mind. Also write a list of what you do need and want in a relationship.
Once you have these lists for yourself you don’t necessarily have to express them to a potential partner (unless your boundaries are being pushed), but this self-awareness gives a feeling of calm, knowing that you are prepared to defend your boundaries if you ever need to. This allows you to have peace of mind and able to relax and enjoy being connected and the whole dating experience.
6) Take it slow
When you’re dating someone make sure you get to know them and take things at your own pace before getting intimate or making any commitments. Don’t be rushed along and keep to your own timing and pace.
This is super-important for ensuring that the relationship and the person is right for you. When you take your time you can tune into your own gut instinct, your intuition, which when you listen to it will let you know whether the relationship and person is healthy and right for you!
I hope these tips help you if you’re feeling wary of dating or are getting over a break-up or past toxic relationship! Remember you are worthy being loved properly! We’re all born worthy and you are loveable exactly as you are!
We study and implement all of these steps during my Healthy Relationship Formula Program, which helps single women confidently create healthy, joyful and loving relationships.
If you would like to know more or would like to join us on the next live course we are starting again soon and I’m taking enrolments now! Go here to book a discovery call to apply!
What are boundaries?
I like to explain boundaries as the limits and guidelines we set and hold in place to inform other people (and ourselves) how we want and need to be treated, in order to stay happy, healthy, safe and well.
Boundaries allow us to feel secure and confident, they bring order to our lives. When we strengthen our boundaries we get clearer on our needs and this empowers us to decide how we want to be treated in relationships with others.
“It’s not your fault how they choose to behave towards you. But it’s your fault when you let it continue.” – Marion Bekoe
A boundary is not about telling another person what to do. It is about telling another person what YOU will do in the face of the other person's continued unkind or undesirable behaviour.
While it is hard for most people to accept, we cannot control another's behaviour. What we can control is our own response in the face of others behaviour. A boundary is about telling your truth and taking action on it. For example:
"I'm no longer willing to be with you in public when you put me down. I will leave and take the car or a cab home."
"I’m no longer willing to be late to events because of you being late. The next time you are late, I will leave without you. If you continue to be late, then I will just plan on taking separate cars."
"Your constant criticisms feel awful to me. From now on, when you are critical, I will tell you that it feels awful and leave the room."
Then you have to follow through
Then, of course, you have to take the action you have said you would take. If you do not take action, then what you have said is a manipulation rather than a truth. A boundary means nothing until you are willing to take the action.
You can't control others, but you can control how you react to their treatment of you
The tricky part of this has to do with your intent. If your intent is to control the other person rather than take loving care of yourself, then your statement and action is just another form of control. If your desire is to take responsibility for yourself, then your tone of voice will be calm and matter-of-fact as you are just letting the other person know what you will be doing or are doing. If your desire is to control the other person, then your tone of voice will be angry, blaming, and accusing, and your energy will be hard and closed.
We cannot hide our intent; it will always come through in our energy and our tone of voice. However you might try to mask an intent to control, the other will always pick up on it and probably react to it with his or her own controlling behaviour.
You are coming from a place of personal power when your intent is to take loving care of yourself rather than control the other. Since you cannot ultimately control another, trying to will leave you feeling frustrated and powerless.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brene Brown
The challenging part of this is taking loving action on your own behalf. In order to take loving care of yourself, you need to be willing to let go of the outcome regarding how the other person will feel and behave. If you are focused on controlling how the other person will feel in the face of your actions, then you will not be able to take the loving action.
If your focus is on the other person, such as, "He will feel hurt and angry if I leave the party", or "She will be furious with me if I leave without her", or "He will feel rejected and tell me I am running away from conflict, if I leave the room when he is critical", then you will be unable to take the loving action.
Setting boundaries is an act of self-love
Only if you are in compassion for yourself will you be able to act on your own behalf. Compassion for yourself means that you are 100% willing to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than trying to get someone else to do it for you, or rather than trying to control another’s feelings. It means that you are willing for the other person to be upset with you rather than continue to be treated unkindly.
“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.”- Tony Gaskins
People tend to mirror how we treat ourselves. If you tolerate unkind treatment, you are letting others know that it is okay to treat you badly. By taking loving care of yourself in the face of others' unkind behaviour, you will find that generally others will respect you and treat you well.
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is an essential part of not losing ourselves in our relationships! We cover this in the Healthy Relationship Formula, an 8 week program empowering women to confidently attract and thrive in a mutually respectful, loving and happy romantic relationship!
The next live group course is starting soon!! Are you ready to heal your past and be supported as you do the inner work in order to have a beautiful relationship, first with yourself and then with others? If so click this link to read more and apply!
